Knocking at the Door

I was watching a popular Christian teacher on TV yesterday morning and she said something interesting. I won't post her name here because some people find her teaching controversial and I wouldn't want to send anybody down the wrong path. I always watch her with a very critical eye to make sure what I'm hearing is in line with the Word of God. In this case, I think it is.


She said, "Prayer opens the door for God to work." Because I was watching critically, I was a little surprised that she didn't have a scriptural reference to back this statement up, so I decided to go do a little research myself.


I found Matthew 7:7-8, which says, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened."


Obviously, the verse above doesn't specifically say "pray and the door to God will open," but I think the meaning is there. How else are we to "ask" but through prayer? How else are we to "knock" on God's door but through prayer? I believe that God is so close to us at all times, that if we simply turn and face Him, we will find ourselves on His doorstep. All that is left to do is to knock and ask.


The reason I found this interesting is that my book club is currently reading I Stand at the Door and Knock by the amazing Corrie Ten Boom. I haven't technically started reading it yet, but just the title of the book has already served a purpose by bringing to mind that famous verse from Revelation, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me." (Rev 3:20). 


So wait a minute, who is knocking? Is it us, or Jesus?


Newsflash: it's both. That is why I believe the teacher's statement "Prayer opens the door for God to work" is accurate. Prayer is where you and I can meet Jesus Christ while still here on earth; we are both knocking at the same door! 


Doesn't it make you feel better when you walk up to someone's door if you know he or she is expecting you? Most likely you've been invited, so you know you are welcome and that someone will be home to let you in. It's a much better feeling than ringing the bell when you feel you could be intruding, or you've come at a bad time. We can walk up to God's door with the assurance of God's Word that Jesus Christ is standing on the other side, waiting to dine with us. We are not only welcomed, but invited into His presence. 


Knock on the door. He is waiting to open it and walk straight into your life. Let Him in and see what He can do!

I am free.

If you've ever walked closely with the Lord, you know that when He wants to make a point, He uses every resource available. I know this very well, and yet I am always surprised at how He chooses to teach me things. He lines everything up in the most logical and organized way; His timing is perfect, even if it involves my timing being a little off. Every time it happens, I feel so special, like God went to a lot of elaborate work to manipulate the universe just for me. But then, nothing about all that work was difficult for Him, because He is so mighty. He only takes delight in it when He sees it bear fruit in my life.

If you asked me what God was teaching me in my life right now, I would have to ask you how much time you had. But nonetheless, I'm going to try to organize it here for you - really, it's for me - because I am just so excited by it.

It seems like every Bible study I've been doing recently has been coming out of Isaiah. Oddly enough, I've never actually read the entire book of Isaiah (though I'll definitely be going through it on my own now, and Adam and I will be reading it together in July and August as part of our Bible-in-a-year reading plan). It all started when Adam bought me Beth Moore's Breaking Free for Christmas. I hadn't been doing much Bible study for a while and he knew I liked Beth Moore, so he got it for me. It was so God-ordained, though.

I started reading at the beginning of this year and memorizing the scriptures from the book: Isaiah 61:1-4, Isaiah 43:10, Isaiah 43:6-7, Isaiah 55:2, Isaiah 23:6, and Isaiah 43:2-3. I have had the scriptures done for a while now and am almost finished with the book, and wow has God used that study in my life. I am thinking of getting the actual Bible study to do with a group of ladies from my church and going through it again, because it has made a huge impact on my life.

But I digress.

Breaking Free is about just that - breaking free from the captivity of the Devil's strongholds in our lives. Going into it, I thought I knew what I was going to be trying to "break free" from - I even had a list of several areas of my life I wanted to work on and was trying to prioritize them. (God had other plans - He has shown me that He is a multi-tasker and He can work on more than one area of my life at a time.) 

The biggest thing I wanted to be set free from was my anger. I grew up in an angry environment and inherited a short fuse. For a long time I was under the impression that it was just a part of who I was and I couldn't change it, so the people in my life who chose to love me would just have to deal with it. But after I had my baby, I started to see things differently. First of all, I was experiencing a lot of post-partum anxiety. My stress level was through the roof, and as a result, my temper flared even more often than normal. But with a brand new baby in the house, that anger wasn't nearly as satisfying; in fact, it made me feel horribly guilty. I did not want my child to grow up with memories of an angry mommy, but I felt I just couldn't control myself. I didn't know what to do. 

That's why I was so glad to get my hands on Breaking Free - especially when I read the chapter on generational sin. But that's another topic...

Anyway, I was hoping God would use that book to set me free from my anger - my biggest stronghold. And He is definitely working on that with me. But I had no idea He was going to use it for so much more.

Over the past few weeks, more and more of my teachers have been referencing Isaiah. Many of them have been teaching on the exact verses that I memorized. Those verses are now really calling me to attention every time I hear them, and through that teaching, God has been revealing to me just how much of my life Satan has stolen from me. There are so many parts of my life that I didn't even realize could be better, and now God is redeeming them all!

Specifically, I have been feeling very called to the women's ministry at my church. Actually, there isn't really a women's ministry at my church; I am feeling called to get one rolling. But you can't possibly know how surprised I was when God showed me that. I am one of the shyest and most anti-social people I know - how could I possibly be called to head a ministry for the Lord's most social people? Despite the crazy excited feeling I got when I thought about it, I was sure God had to be mistaken.

But through study and receiving the Word over the past few weeks, I've come to realize something. I am not shy and anti-social because God created me to be that way - it's not "just who I am." I am like that because I am ridiculously insecure! We are talking over-the-top insecure here. For most of my life, I wouldn't even go into a department store by myself because I was worried that the other shoppers would see me alone and conclude I had no friends. I was sure that everyone was looking at me and laughing pretty much all the time, and now I know why. I have awful memories from when I was a very over-sensitive little girl of people treating me poorly, and I allowed Satan to build those memories into a belief system that walled me in and - yes - held me completely captive.

I would never have thought that I was insecure several weeks ago. I might have even said I was overly-confident! Which is why it is so weird that I recently joined Beth Moore's blog Bible study for her newest book, So Long Insecurity, and that I did it before God revealed any of this to me at an informal meeting of local ladies last weekend. (What verses stuck out to me at that meeting? You got it, Isaiah 61:1-4.) Yes, God's timing is sovereign. To be honest, I wasn't even sure I was going to go for a while, but as always, God will get you where He needs you to be, whether it is in your comfort zone or not. 

What I love so much is that God hasn't just revealed to me that I was (still am, I'm working on it) a captive, but He's also told me exactly what I need to do to change. It is the Truth! We all know that Satan is by nature a deceiver and that we cannot believe the lies he tells us - but until recently I couldn't even distinguish the Truth from those lies. It finally came to me yesterday during my reading and journaling that Satan can get so deep inside of us that the lies feel like they are coming from within. So we must "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor 10:5) - meaning that we need to make sure that what we are thinking lines up with the Word of God. If it doesn't, it is a lie. Whether you feel like it or not, remind yourself of the Truth.

Just the other night I was ensnared by one of these lies, and I began feeling sorry for myself and believing that I was worthless and unworthy - just what Satan wanted me to think. I was feeling jealous and distrusting of my husband; my feelings were convincing me to believe he didn't love me, and that of course would mean that I myself was unlovable. But the Word says in 1 Cor 13:7 that love "believes all things" - "always trusts" is the way another translation puts it. My feelings, then my thoughts, and then my actions were not lining up with the Word of God. What I was feeling was a lie! I wanted so badly to wallow in self-pity in that moment, and honestly, I did a fair bit of that. But the next morning, God showed me the Truth, and I am not allowing that lie to manipulate me any longer. 

So just when I began understanding that I needed to combat Satan with the truth - which means, by the way, that you need to know the Truth, and know the Word (see Eph 6) - we began The Truth Project at the Thursday night Bible study I go to. The first session? Was all about how Satan takes us captive with his lies, and that the Truth will set us free. Could God make Himself any clearer? Could He make His schedule any more consistent? Like I said, it feels like He aligned the forces of the universe just for me. I guess it must be pretty important that I get this point, huh?

Anyway, this is what I meant when I posted recently that God was making a whole new Sarah. He is redeeming bad memories; He is setting me free from captivity; He is re-forming me into the person He always meant for me to be. And as scary as it is, it is so thrilling to know I don't have to live with myself the way I was anymore. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." (Phil 4:13). I can change. 

I will change. And it will be for the better.

I Am Free

- The Newsboys

Through You the blind will see

Through You the mute will sing

Through You the dead will rise

Through You all hearts will praise

Through You the darkness flees

Through You my heart screams

I am free

Yes, I am free

I am free to run

I am free to dance

I am free to live for You

I am free

Yes, I am free

Through You the kingdom comes

Through You the battle's won

Through You I'm not afraid

Through You the price is paid

Through You there's victory

Through You my heart sings

I am free

Yes, I am free

I am free to run

I am free to dance

I am free to live for You

I am free

Yes, I am free

Who the Son sets free is free indeed

Who the Son sets free is free indeed

I am free to run

I am free to dance

I am free to live for You

I am free

Yes, I am free

Free Audiobooks

I love free stuff. Since I just quit my job and we are going to be living on one income, I've been trying to find some creative ways to save a little bit more money every month. A great resource I've found for this is MoneySavingMom.com. It's a fabulous blog all around, but I wanted to point to one specific post because I thought some of you guys might be interested too.


Through the end of March, ChristianAudio.com is offering two free downloads. I don't know if they do this every month, but this is the first I've heard of it, so I figure some of you might not know about it either.


The first book is The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Click here to download and use the coupon code MAR2010 when you're checking out to get it for free.


The second book is Fifty Reasons Why Jesus Came to Die by John Piper. Click here to download and use the coupon code MAR2010B when you're checking out to get it for free.

Hope you guys enjoy! I know I have been meaning to read The Cost of Discipleship for a while, so I'm excited to get it in an audio format where I can listen to it and get stuff done at the same time. God has been teaching me recently that He is a multi-tasker, so I think this is fitting.

The New Self

Where do I even start this blog? I am so overwhelmed by God's amazing faithfulness that I am beside myself.

If you've been following this blog since the beginning, you know that I've really felt God working hard on me since the beginning of this year. I know it has only been two months, but the transformation continues to astound me. It is like He is making a whole new Sarah! I know I was reborn the day I accepted Jesus, but it feels almost like I am going through the whole process again.

Ephesians 4:22-24 says that when you truly know God, "you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." I feel like although I know I was given a new self and a new spirit when I was saved, I am just now shedding my old skin and putting on that new self. It is amazing! And strangely, I don't miss my old self at all.

Of course, I know that these things take time. As great as I feel right now, I know God is getting ready to go really deep into my soul and wrench out some of the things that the old Sarah is still holding onto - things I thought were just ingrained in me and that I couldn't ever be free of. I am really looking forward to it. I think a lot of those things are actually causing me pain, but I have been dealing with it for so long I don't know what it's like to be free of that pain. I can't wait to find out.

I am learning that God can do things even more miraculous than I had ever thought possible. Yay, God!

Prayers and Provisions

So many things on my mind today - it's hard to decide where to begin.


I woke up this morning not realizing that I had been waiting for today. I am not good with dates and I hardly ever know what day of the week it is, much less day of the month. But eventually, I realized that it is February 22nd - the first anniversary of both my baptism and the day I found out I was pregnant with my little angel.


It's so strange to think about how much can happen in just one year. One year ago today I was publicly proclaiming my love for Jesus in front of strangers for the first time. It was important to me - but I was barely paying attention because my mind was reeling so much from the positive pregnancy test I'd just had. A year ago today I was living in a rental house on the other side of town, and absolutely convinced it would be five years before we owned a home of our own. I was dreaming about the little sleep-sounds I'm listening to right now on the baby monitor. I was praising God that He had been so faithful to answer my prayers. I distinctly remember a morning in early February last year when I was down on my knees praying for this baby. Little did I know, God had already delivered her into my womb. One year ago today, I was ready to start a new adventure in so many areas of my life.


Life is so cyclical. Right now, I'm getting ready to start another adventure. God has been faithful to answer yet another prayer - and again He answered it long before I even prayed it. 


I quit my job last week. Yes, I finally trusted God enough to take the step of obedience I'd been feeling called to for so long. And today, within a week of finally placing my faith in Him, we were given a financial blessing completely out of the blue. Adam's dad had some savings bonds for him that we didn't know about, and they will more than cover the amount of my salary for the next few months as we adjust to being a one-income household. 


It is so amazing to me to think that ten years ago, God knew exactly where we'd be today and exactly what we'd need, and He made provision for that. It so makes me wish I had been obedient earlier - who knows what blessings we missed out on because of my reluctance.


All my fears have melted away. The worst - breaking the news to my bosses - is over, and I can finally start looking toward the future. Hallelujah and Amen.

Am I a Quitter?

So if you suffered through reading my last blog here, I guess I should throw you a bone and tell you what that was all about. 


Adam and I are praying about whether or not I should quit my part-time job and fully devote myself to wife- and motherhood. This is something I've always wanted, and something I always planned on. It is something I feel very strongly that God has called me to. It is something that I want desperately.


Unfortunately, in the world today, it is difficult to get by on one income. We have looked at our budget and found that we can do it if we cut out pretty much all luxuries, and even then we won't have much room to wiggle if something happens - unexpected medical bills, car or home repairs, etc. 


I'm having trouble, now, discerning whether or not this is truly God's will. I don't know why, really - over and over again for the past two-and-a-half years I have felt like I was in a job He didn't want me in and that things were going to keep happening to make that job tough for me to do until I eventually quit. At this point, I can barely accomplish anything at all. Every technological thing I need to do my job keeps breaking, and then the workarounds I find break too. It is almost ridiculous, like He has sent the universe to attack my work life to make a point.


But still I wonder...


I think the biggest reason I have trouble believing that this is something God wants for me is because it is something I want so much myself. I could easily convince myself that this is God's will simply because I want it to be His will, and filter out all the warning signs that say He doesn't want me to do this. And then where would I be? I basically have the best situation possible for a working mom right now, in that I am working part-time and mostly from home. I don't need to get childcare and my hours are flexible. If I were to quit and then it didn't work out, I am fairly certain I would not be able to work out a deal like this for myself ever again. Then I would be even farther away from my desire to be home with Anna.


Obviously, it is a trust issue. 


On my other blog, I am doing an in-depth, verse-by-verse study of Proverbs 31. I don't know why I decided to do it, I just did. I really felt like God was sending me to that chapter (and specifically, the verse I was going to post on today) this morning for my answer. But now I am even more confused than ever. All I was able to glean from this morning's verse (Prov 31:10) was that I need to be brave. But be brave in what? Be brave enough to quit my job or brave enough not to?


The rest of Proverbs 31 is even more confusing; just this morning I have read three different takes on what it says about women working outside the home. The first one said that women may work outside the home as long as it doesn't detract from the attention they give to their families. The second one said women should definitely work outside the home, because the Proverbs 31 woman obviously does. The third one said that women definitely should not work outside the home, because all of the Proverbs 31 woman's work was through the home, not outside of it. 


I don't know what to believe or what to do. I so badly want to take a leap of faith, because I think I will be much happier. But I don't want to be disobedient if this is not what He wants for me, and hurt my family by not bringing in finances we might need down the road. I feel like I need a miracle.

Clam Chowder or Other Soup?

So last night while I was not sleeping (this happens sometimes, because I have a baby that sleeps in my bedroom and sometimes yells in her sleep for no reason), God gave me a visual aide in my head to illustrate a point to me. I thought it was kind of neat, so I'd like to share with you.


As Christians, when we are disobedient to the Lord, we are not on His path. We are, instead, walking along a parallel path. We are both headed in the same direction, but we are not together. Some of the things God sees from His path, we can also see from ours, but there are a lot of things along His path that we can't see because we're too far away. Sometimes our path will be bumpy where His is smooth. Sometimes we will hit a road block that doesn't exist on God's path.


It looks kind of like this (excuse the rudimentary computer drawing):


God's path -->|                     | <-- Our path
                    |                     |
                    |                     |
                    |                     |
                    |                    /<--Roadblock
                    |                    |
                    |                    |
                    |                    |
                    |                    |




Get the idea?


So because we're Christians, we are going the same way as God, but if we're disobedient, we're not going with Him. Sometimes we can turn our heads and look over at His path and wave, but we are still traveling down our own road alone.


Here's the example from my own life that God used to teach me about this last night. Some details have been changed to protect the innocent. Or mostly to protect me. :)




I have been fairly certain for quite some time now (a looooong time, possibly years) that God has been asking me to do a specific thing - let's say that specific thing is buying some Clam Chowder. (Again, some details have been changed). When God first revealed to me that He wanted me to buy Clam Chowder, I got really excited. "Yes, God!" I said. "I love Clam Chowder! I am so excited to buy some!" And then I went on about my life, overjoyed about the prospect of one day buying some Clam Chowder.


A little while later, I was at the store buying some Other Soup that was not Clam Chowder. I didn't want to buy the Other Soup, but I felt like I had to. I was grumpy about it and I also really didn't like doing it. God said to me, "Sarah, why are you buying Other Soup? I told you to buy Clam Chowder."


I said, "God, we can't afford Clam Chowder right now. I don't like this Other Soup but I have to buy it."


For a long time, I've been buying and eating the Other Soup. I hate the taste of it and look forward so much to the day when I can buy Clam Chowder, but it seems like that time is never going to come. At least, it seemed like that until a few days ago.


A few days ago, the Holy Spirit convicted me again (around 4am, lovely). It seemed so clear to me then that if God's will was for me to have Clam Chowder, there was a way for me to have Clam Chowder! God wouldn't reveal something to me that was impossible just to mess with me - He's not like that. There is a way!


So what do you think I did? That's right! I am still eating the Other Soup!


But my husband and I have devised a plan. We have decided to, at a later date and for an undetermined amount of time, begin practicing buying Clam Chowder. This way, we can see if we can really and truly afford to buy the Clam Chowder without actually buying it. We will still, of course, be eating the Other Soup. God must be so pleased!




I hope you didn't mind my soup analogy, and I hope it didn't confuse you too much. The moral of the story is that I am here, still traveling down my own path, trying to find a way to get to God's path without actually making any sort of turn. It's like there is a canyon between us and I am too afraid that I will fall in if I try to leap over it.


God convicted me last night that this lack of trust I have in him is disobedience, and it is sin. But I am still paralyzed by my fear! I want to do things my way, the safe way, and then eventually end up on His road when I have more confidence. But something I read in Beth Moore's Breaking Free this week really applies here: Beth says that God doesn't want to walk with us, he wants us to walk with Him! He is not going to come over to my path, so if I want to continue walking down this road, I am going to do it alone. And that's just as scary as jumping over a canyon, in my opinion.