No, I haven't been cleaning nonstop for the past several weeks; that is not my excuse for not posting. But it is easy to always come up with some type of excuse - something around the house that needs to get done - to avoid Bible study when you know you really need it.
Hopefully I'll get back on track in my personal study soon. But mostly this post is to discuss my public study - that is, the blogging here and elsewhere. I think it's going to get an overhaul. For one, I think I'm abandoning the Proverbs 31 study. If you know me, this won't come as any surprise - I rarely finish projects like that. But I promise it is not for the reason you think.
It has recently come to my attention that I am a fraud. God has really laid it on my heart over the past several weeks that I need to be more transparent in my life. I don't think I'm alone in this struggle; I'm sure there are a lot of Christians who feel like I feel. That is - I think there are many Christians who don't feel free to admit their flaws and sins in front of the church. I think it's a shame, because the whole point of church is to find a community where you can fellowship and encourage one another. How can you encourage each other if you don't share your troubles with each other?
The good news is that I think I'm pulling out of this rut finally. First of all, this is the first time in my Christian walk that I've felt like God has been calling me to be this brutally honest, or at least it is the first time I've been willing to obey Him. Secondly, I am finally in a church where I feel comfortable actually executing this plan.
Our church's mission is to be "real" and "relevant." For a while I didn't get it - I thought it was just the pastor's motto and a reminder to himself to preach in a way that helps people apply the Word to their lives. But I think I'm understanding it in a new way. I feel like the reason I haven't been able to open up to other Christians before now is that most of those I've met have forgotten that we are called to be both salt and light. Lots of us have got the whole "light" thing down - we turn on our cheerful smiles and speak Christianese to each other at church, saying, "Oh yes, I'll be praying for that" and "I felt the Holy Spirit calling me to do such and such today." And that's fine and good - in fact it's great. It is exactly how things should be. But when it comes to our problems, our sins, our secret thoughts, we don't change our behavior. We continue to act the same way we did before, and that, in my opinion (or at least in my life) is a lie.
Jesus said, "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men." (Matt 5:13)
Number one: we are the salt of the earth. So yes, we are kind of salty and dirty sometimes. God made us that way! Why do we deny this in front of each other, like other Christians aren't the same way and don't already know we are, too?
Number two: I believe that if we act like we have no flaws, we will lose at least half of the opportunities for ministry God puts before us. Nobody wants to ask a perfect person for help; nobody wants to go to somebody with no compassion and no similar experiences for advice. If my sister in Christ is struggling, I want her to know she can come to me unashamed because I've been just where she is. If not, then there is no point in counting it all joy when you face various trials, because you are just going to pretend those trials never happened and not be able to use them for anything.
Anyway, all this to say: I'm giving up writing the Bible studies, at least for the moment. You know why? Because I haven't been studying the Bible. I've been struggling in being obedient to God. I've been lazy. I want to be in the Word every day, and I talk a good game, but I'm batting .000 right now. Yes, writing the studies has (or at least had) been helping to keep me accountable for that, but that does not mean I should be publishing them on the internet. God forbid that my uninformed, untrained self posts something I was speculating about and then someone even less informed and trained gets the wrong idea from that post. I am a student of the Word, and not a teacher.
But more than that, I felt so convicted this past week during a Bible study that quoted Matthew 6:1-6:
"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."
So in short: I will continue blogging here about topics that interest me. They probably will be spiritual topics. There may even be entries to encourage others - but probably those will be youtube videos or quotes from others. I will not even attempt to organize my thoughts into any type of study for anybody but me, because until I have my own house in order, that would be ridiculous. Are all Christian bloggers supposed to stop blogging? Absolutely not - I gain great encouragement from them. Are all Christian bloggers doing it for earthly attention? Absolutely not - but I was. And so I'm closing the door on that sin, which is constantly crouching outside my door, so that it doesn't attack me when I peek out at it. And that's that.
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