I am free.

If you've ever walked closely with the Lord, you know that when He wants to make a point, He uses every resource available. I know this very well, and yet I am always surprised at how He chooses to teach me things. He lines everything up in the most logical and organized way; His timing is perfect, even if it involves my timing being a little off. Every time it happens, I feel so special, like God went to a lot of elaborate work to manipulate the universe just for me. But then, nothing about all that work was difficult for Him, because He is so mighty. He only takes delight in it when He sees it bear fruit in my life.

If you asked me what God was teaching me in my life right now, I would have to ask you how much time you had. But nonetheless, I'm going to try to organize it here for you - really, it's for me - because I am just so excited by it.

It seems like every Bible study I've been doing recently has been coming out of Isaiah. Oddly enough, I've never actually read the entire book of Isaiah (though I'll definitely be going through it on my own now, and Adam and I will be reading it together in July and August as part of our Bible-in-a-year reading plan). It all started when Adam bought me Beth Moore's Breaking Free for Christmas. I hadn't been doing much Bible study for a while and he knew I liked Beth Moore, so he got it for me. It was so God-ordained, though.

I started reading at the beginning of this year and memorizing the scriptures from the book: Isaiah 61:1-4, Isaiah 43:10, Isaiah 43:6-7, Isaiah 55:2, Isaiah 23:6, and Isaiah 43:2-3. I have had the scriptures done for a while now and am almost finished with the book, and wow has God used that study in my life. I am thinking of getting the actual Bible study to do with a group of ladies from my church and going through it again, because it has made a huge impact on my life.

But I digress.

Breaking Free is about just that - breaking free from the captivity of the Devil's strongholds in our lives. Going into it, I thought I knew what I was going to be trying to "break free" from - I even had a list of several areas of my life I wanted to work on and was trying to prioritize them. (God had other plans - He has shown me that He is a multi-tasker and He can work on more than one area of my life at a time.) 

The biggest thing I wanted to be set free from was my anger. I grew up in an angry environment and inherited a short fuse. For a long time I was under the impression that it was just a part of who I was and I couldn't change it, so the people in my life who chose to love me would just have to deal with it. But after I had my baby, I started to see things differently. First of all, I was experiencing a lot of post-partum anxiety. My stress level was through the roof, and as a result, my temper flared even more often than normal. But with a brand new baby in the house, that anger wasn't nearly as satisfying; in fact, it made me feel horribly guilty. I did not want my child to grow up with memories of an angry mommy, but I felt I just couldn't control myself. I didn't know what to do. 

That's why I was so glad to get my hands on Breaking Free - especially when I read the chapter on generational sin. But that's another topic...

Anyway, I was hoping God would use that book to set me free from my anger - my biggest stronghold. And He is definitely working on that with me. But I had no idea He was going to use it for so much more.

Over the past few weeks, more and more of my teachers have been referencing Isaiah. Many of them have been teaching on the exact verses that I memorized. Those verses are now really calling me to attention every time I hear them, and through that teaching, God has been revealing to me just how much of my life Satan has stolen from me. There are so many parts of my life that I didn't even realize could be better, and now God is redeeming them all!

Specifically, I have been feeling very called to the women's ministry at my church. Actually, there isn't really a women's ministry at my church; I am feeling called to get one rolling. But you can't possibly know how surprised I was when God showed me that. I am one of the shyest and most anti-social people I know - how could I possibly be called to head a ministry for the Lord's most social people? Despite the crazy excited feeling I got when I thought about it, I was sure God had to be mistaken.

But through study and receiving the Word over the past few weeks, I've come to realize something. I am not shy and anti-social because God created me to be that way - it's not "just who I am." I am like that because I am ridiculously insecure! We are talking over-the-top insecure here. For most of my life, I wouldn't even go into a department store by myself because I was worried that the other shoppers would see me alone and conclude I had no friends. I was sure that everyone was looking at me and laughing pretty much all the time, and now I know why. I have awful memories from when I was a very over-sensitive little girl of people treating me poorly, and I allowed Satan to build those memories into a belief system that walled me in and - yes - held me completely captive.

I would never have thought that I was insecure several weeks ago. I might have even said I was overly-confident! Which is why it is so weird that I recently joined Beth Moore's blog Bible study for her newest book, So Long Insecurity, and that I did it before God revealed any of this to me at an informal meeting of local ladies last weekend. (What verses stuck out to me at that meeting? You got it, Isaiah 61:1-4.) Yes, God's timing is sovereign. To be honest, I wasn't even sure I was going to go for a while, but as always, God will get you where He needs you to be, whether it is in your comfort zone or not. 

What I love so much is that God hasn't just revealed to me that I was (still am, I'm working on it) a captive, but He's also told me exactly what I need to do to change. It is the Truth! We all know that Satan is by nature a deceiver and that we cannot believe the lies he tells us - but until recently I couldn't even distinguish the Truth from those lies. It finally came to me yesterday during my reading and journaling that Satan can get so deep inside of us that the lies feel like they are coming from within. So we must "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor 10:5) - meaning that we need to make sure that what we are thinking lines up with the Word of God. If it doesn't, it is a lie. Whether you feel like it or not, remind yourself of the Truth.

Just the other night I was ensnared by one of these lies, and I began feeling sorry for myself and believing that I was worthless and unworthy - just what Satan wanted me to think. I was feeling jealous and distrusting of my husband; my feelings were convincing me to believe he didn't love me, and that of course would mean that I myself was unlovable. But the Word says in 1 Cor 13:7 that love "believes all things" - "always trusts" is the way another translation puts it. My feelings, then my thoughts, and then my actions were not lining up with the Word of God. What I was feeling was a lie! I wanted so badly to wallow in self-pity in that moment, and honestly, I did a fair bit of that. But the next morning, God showed me the Truth, and I am not allowing that lie to manipulate me any longer. 

So just when I began understanding that I needed to combat Satan with the truth - which means, by the way, that you need to know the Truth, and know the Word (see Eph 6) - we began The Truth Project at the Thursday night Bible study I go to. The first session? Was all about how Satan takes us captive with his lies, and that the Truth will set us free. Could God make Himself any clearer? Could He make His schedule any more consistent? Like I said, it feels like He aligned the forces of the universe just for me. I guess it must be pretty important that I get this point, huh?

Anyway, this is what I meant when I posted recently that God was making a whole new Sarah. He is redeeming bad memories; He is setting me free from captivity; He is re-forming me into the person He always meant for me to be. And as scary as it is, it is so thrilling to know I don't have to live with myself the way I was anymore. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." (Phil 4:13). I can change. 

I will change. And it will be for the better.

I Am Free

- The Newsboys

Through You the blind will see

Through You the mute will sing

Through You the dead will rise

Through You all hearts will praise

Through You the darkness flees

Through You my heart screams

I am free

Yes, I am free

I am free to run

I am free to dance

I am free to live for You

I am free

Yes, I am free

Through You the kingdom comes

Through You the battle's won

Through You I'm not afraid

Through You the price is paid

Through You there's victory

Through You my heart sings

I am free

Yes, I am free

I am free to run

I am free to dance

I am free to live for You

I am free

Yes, I am free

Who the Son sets free is free indeed

Who the Son sets free is free indeed

I am free to run

I am free to dance

I am free to live for You

I am free

Yes, I am free